News & Appearances
“Ensuring Smooth Relationships with In-laws." Feb. 8, 2015
The Nigerian Times: Nigeria's Most Informative Newspaper.
The Nigerian Times: Nigeria's Most Informative Newspaper.
Dealing with difficult in-laws is common to many relationships. Rita Okonoboh presents the views of Susan Forward, psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author; Elizabeth Stone, relationship expert, and Laurie E. Rozakis, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dealing with In-Laws, on ways of relating positively with in-laws.
Tori married into a family whose members had been born in Germany. Every time a family member went into the kitchen, he or she shut the door -- often leaving Tori out. For years, she stewed over the situation. Finally, she got up the courage to ask her mother-in-law why she closed the kitchen door. “Why, to keep in the heat,” she answered. “We always did that in Germany.” Closing the kitchen door had nothing to do with Tori. A cultural misunderstanding had caused years of distress for her -- which neither her in-laws nor she ever realised (Excerpt from Laurie Rozakis’ The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dealing with In-Laws). …
Communication is the oil for the wheels of any relationship but when it comes to in-laws, the interaction has to be strictly direct. As Rozakis puts it, “Whenever possible, avoid communicating through a third party. Don’t ask your spouse to talk to his sister about something she did that hurt your feelings. Talk to your sister-in-law directly. If something bothers you, address it as soon as possible. Sometimes it’s a genuine problem; other times, it might be a misunderstanding.”
Set reasonable boundaries…
In the view of Rozakis, “With your spouse, decide what’s important and what’s not. Working as a team, set your family values. Then communicate your values to your in-laws; all of your values and all of your in-laws.
“Speaking of boundaries, don’t make promises that you can’t keep. Placating people to keep the peace rarely solves the problem -- especially if your in-laws are tyrants.”
Retain maturity at all costs
Incessant complaining, never-fading negative expressions, whining about the activities of in-laws can make a spouse appear childish. “Your parents have to love you; it’s in the contract. But your in-laws don’t. Accept the fact that your in-laws aren’t your parents and won’t follow the same rules. Try to think ‘different’ -- not ‘better’ or ‘worse.’ Spare your in-laws the insults and character attacks. To make this work, give in on small points and negotiate the key issues. Learn to see the situation from your in-law’s point of view. And even if you don’t agree, act like a big person. Even if you have to grit your teeth, try to say something nice. And if you really can’t say anything nice, shut up and smile,” Rozakis observes.
Enforce limits
As Rozakis states, “Think of your in-laws as a potential resource to expand your support network. You can accomplish this by approaching your in-laws the same way you would any potential friend. Respect them, be interested in them, and listen to them. When the going gets tough, the tough often stay neutral. Even if the situation has gone Bosnian, try to be civil if you can’t be silent.”
http://www.tribune.com.ng/relationships/item/28886-ensuring-smooth-relationships-with-in-laws.
Tori married into a family whose members had been born in Germany. Every time a family member went into the kitchen, he or she shut the door -- often leaving Tori out. For years, she stewed over the situation. Finally, she got up the courage to ask her mother-in-law why she closed the kitchen door. “Why, to keep in the heat,” she answered. “We always did that in Germany.” Closing the kitchen door had nothing to do with Tori. A cultural misunderstanding had caused years of distress for her -- which neither her in-laws nor she ever realised (Excerpt from Laurie Rozakis’ The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dealing with In-Laws). …
Communication is the oil for the wheels of any relationship but when it comes to in-laws, the interaction has to be strictly direct. As Rozakis puts it, “Whenever possible, avoid communicating through a third party. Don’t ask your spouse to talk to his sister about something she did that hurt your feelings. Talk to your sister-in-law directly. If something bothers you, address it as soon as possible. Sometimes it’s a genuine problem; other times, it might be a misunderstanding.”
Set reasonable boundaries…
In the view of Rozakis, “With your spouse, decide what’s important and what’s not. Working as a team, set your family values. Then communicate your values to your in-laws; all of your values and all of your in-laws.
“Speaking of boundaries, don’t make promises that you can’t keep. Placating people to keep the peace rarely solves the problem -- especially if your in-laws are tyrants.”
Retain maturity at all costs
Incessant complaining, never-fading negative expressions, whining about the activities of in-laws can make a spouse appear childish. “Your parents have to love you; it’s in the contract. But your in-laws don’t. Accept the fact that your in-laws aren’t your parents and won’t follow the same rules. Try to think ‘different’ -- not ‘better’ or ‘worse.’ Spare your in-laws the insults and character attacks. To make this work, give in on small points and negotiate the key issues. Learn to see the situation from your in-law’s point of view. And even if you don’t agree, act like a big person. Even if you have to grit your teeth, try to say something nice. And if you really can’t say anything nice, shut up and smile,” Rozakis observes.
Enforce limits
As Rozakis states, “Think of your in-laws as a potential resource to expand your support network. You can accomplish this by approaching your in-laws the same way you would any potential friend. Respect them, be interested in them, and listen to them. When the going gets tough, the tough often stay neutral. Even if the situation has gone Bosnian, try to be civil if you can’t be silent.”
http://www.tribune.com.ng/relationships/item/28886-ensuring-smooth-relationships-with-in-laws.
